


don't you call him baby (don't you call him what you used to call me) 🍒

by 8glassesofmilkin3minutes



Series: in another life [1]
Category: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Prose Poem, Songfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:29:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23587669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8glassesofmilkin3minutes/pseuds/8glassesofmilkin3minutes
Summary: Henry leaves the lake house and stops responding to Alex's texts and calls, and Alex accepts that as the end. An AU where it takes thema few yearsa little while longer to get together.
Relationships: Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor
Series: in another life [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1823899
Comments: 37
Kudos: 91





	1. i can tell that you are at your best (i’m selfish so i’m hating it)

**Author's Note:**

> This was based on [Len's](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LENNYX/pseuds/LENNYX) idea for an Alex-Doesn't-Storm-Kensington AU!

i can tell that you are at your best (i’m selfish so i’m hating it)

🍒

H

He’s shorter than I was  
With a sprouting of peach fuzz  
There’s a twinkle in your eye when you look at him  
You seem satisfied and  
I just close my eyes, because  
You have so much more than we could have been

You need to be free  
You couldn’t have that with me  
Sometimes I regret what I did

I didn’t keep you for myself  
That’s what I wanted  
I know, I know, I made it _so_ hard to tell

Bitterness aside, can you really blame me?  
Do you know how it felt when you called me _baby_?  
Do you know that you gave me, just for a time  
Some warmth, some safety  
Something truly mine  
But you held onto me so goddamn tight  
And my body was screaming  
Fight or flight

Glance back at the video, I thought I just might  
Biggest mistake of my fucking life  
It’s warm and it’s dark and your smile is golden  
But that’s not what causes my insides to fold in  
Your family is around you, sweet June is beaming  
But really, they’re not whom I’m seeing  
He turns his head towards you and I hear it faintly  
I’m watching your lips as you say it  
_Baby_

I play it back again  
I’m bleeding

 _“Wait a second  
Did he just say—”_  
Pez snatches my phone away

🍒

A

_Prince Henry has opened up another charity_  
It hits me with a sudden, blinding clarity  
He’s fine on his own  
He never needed me  
He’s doing what he started  
He’s leaving a legacy 


	2. there’s a piece of you in how i dress (take it as a compliment)

there’s a piece of you in how i dress (take it as a compliment)

🍒

A

_Brace yourself, take a breath  
You’re good at it and you’re used to this  
You know your way around a crowd  
Stay confident and don’t look around  
It’s been a while, you’ve had reprieve  
Worst case: take a minute, leave_

But I find him—  
Yeah, I’m ready to heave  
What ridiculous shit does he have up his sleeve  
I wasn’t _looking_ for him, I swear  
He’s always just so fucking _there_  
I can’t miss the way the light catches his hair  
The untouchable, perfect, well-dressed heir  
He floats around like he’s polite enough to stay  
But he’d clearly rather be away

This banquet is thousands of square feet  
If I’m wrong, correct me, but  
He’s looking at me  
A flash of blue, for a second, I go right back  
Like _that_ my body decides to attack  
I think of that day and how it started a mess  
I shouldn’t be surprised we ended up like this  
He played with me until I was too much  
I was always a toy  
And he broke me as such

Nora, I’m sorry, I’m walking towards him now  
I know we decided I’ve finally moved on  
But he’s _here_ so why not push him till that pleasant smile’s gone?  
Since I know how to  
At least all those months will have been for something 

Maybe the drink has gone to my head  
I should be thinking about Josie instead

A greeting,  
_“Your Highness, nice to see you here”_  
His face  
He looks like a startled deer  
There’s somehow more venom in my voice than intended  
But good  
Better if he’s offended  
Then I see it, the clear warning in his eyes:  
_Just don’t try and break down this disguise_

 _“Alex, didn’t think I’d have the pleasure”_  
I extend a friendly hand to shake  
_“It’d be a shame not to catch up with my_ close personal friend _”_  
I watch his face as he takes it  
He’s pleading with me to let this exchange end  
But then he… laughs, like I’ve said something charming  
It’s honestly a little alarming  
But, of course, I can’t let him see  
Someone wins this little game, and it’s going to be me

His eyes dart to my hand  
Just for a second, but I don’t miss it  
_Shit_ , that ring!  
A show of weakness  
Few ways to fix it

These days, on my pinkie, I wear a simple band  
I wear it _because it suits my hand_  
I wear it because I thought it looked good  
If I’d considered he might notice, I never would

Very briefly, more words are exchanged  
But with that tone alone, he’s pulling away 

Honestly? Figures  
He never stays

🍒

H

  
Pez has decided we’re going on a cruise  
Time to unwind, he said I could use  
First, we went shopping  
He helped me choose  
Light things, bright things  
Reds and blues  


We’re about to be off  
I tuck my top in in the front, let it hang from the back  
Immediately undo it, because  
You used to do that 

Even in the mirror, I can’t stop seeing you

🍒

A

Josie said  
Hello  
And I said hey  
He didn’t act like he knew me  
He had a pretty face  
I let him take me out  
He didn’t take me back to his place  
Josie let me sit back  
Josie showed me his ways  


Josie opened himself up  
And I did too  
We said, maybe it’s not a lot  
But it’s what we go through  
Josie said, I’m glad that I get to share it with you  
And I thought maybe we’ll be fine  
Let’s get too  
Close 

Josie took me home and our lives blended  
Is this all it takes for broken hearts to be mended?  
Josie took me to his favorite ice cream shop  
Josie pulled me in and  
I didn’t tell him to stop 

One night he asked me if I ever thought I’d found my forever  
I didn’t lie to him  
I didn’t dare say never  
Josie touched me softly and said,  
_“Me, too”_  
I was relieved  
Then asked the wrong question  
I asked,  
_“Who?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really just... testing the waters... I felt like prose would best help me encapsulate the Cherry vibe, so 😊  
> 


	3. i just miss your accent and your friends (did you know i still talk to them?)

i just miss your accent and your friends (did you know i still talk to them?)

🍒

A

Something I’ve learned about when your ex is a public figure:  
The entire outside world could potentially be a trigger  
Of the memories and the bliss and the subsequent pain  
Of the fact that it was good and it’ll never be the same  
I have Josie now, so these feelings  
They seem wrong  
I wouldn’t say it out loud, but maybe  
I haven’t totally moved on

I guess that’s why I call Pez when Nora sends me the link  
I don’t register her question, I can’t even think

The gang, as Cash called us, interact online a bit  
Awkward, when the reason we all came together now ceases to exist  
As far as the public’s concerned, him and I’ve been close personal friends for years  
And the six of us are still a big shiny group  
Royalty, philanthropists, a couple of queers  
Yes, I decided to come out  
Maybe a few people were pissed  
But they were tiny spots, swallowed, in the midst  
Of colorful support and a welcoming embrace  
Something I was so grateful for, but…  
Wished _he_ could taste

The phone rings against my ear in the backseat of the car that’s taking me home from work

_This has to be a mistake  
The article must be fake  
There’s no way he’s giving in so soon_

_Why does this feel like a nightmare?  
I must not be awake  
Shut my eyes tight and I’ll wake up in my room_

But I don’t

Pez Okonjo picks up the phone  
Deep in my stomach, there’s a growing stone  
When he greets me, the confusion is clear in his tone

I don’t release my building, _What the fuck?_  
Now’s not the time to push my luck  
I resort to an embarrassingly small, _“Hey, Pez”_  
He hears me speak, and then he says  
_“Alex”_  
A pause  
_“Long time no talk”_  
It sounds like it ends in a question mark

_“Yeah! So, um… What the fuck?”_

_“Right, I assume you’ve heard the news  
Before you judge, mate, put yourself in his shoes  
She’s wonderful, and it’s been the Crown’s plan for him for years  
There’s rules and image and… a whole lot of fear"_

I sputter  
_“Either way! He’s only twenty-five!  
Couldn’t they give him a little more time?_  
He sighs  
_“Alex, maybe you should talk to_ him  
_He’s obviously not doing this on a whim”_

_“I just wanted to check if it was real”_

_“It is, they’ve decided  
It’s a done deal  
And, hey, Alex?”_

_“What?”_

_“I’m sorry”_

_“I—_  
I’m _fine, don’t worry”_

He sighs again  
_“Alright, is that all?”_

 _“Yeah, thanks, Pez”_  
I end the call

And when we pass by a college bar,  
I ask the driver to stop

It’s not too crowded, the day slowly turns to evening  
I trust an agent is behind me, ensuring no one photographs the first son drinking  
Alone  
Seething  
That’s what it is at first  
Disbelief and resentment  
Confusion and anger  
Like I’ve never known contentment  
But an hour in, the drink is getting to my head  
And I’m starting to feel something else instead  
What I think I’ve been feeling deep down this whole time  
I’m not just upset that he’ll never be mine

Slowly  
Some pieces try to slot into place  
Try to fight their way to surface of my muddled brain  
When he left, I thought Henry didn’t want me  
That a future was something he just couldn’t see  
Other possibilities crossed my mind  
But resolution and clarity, I couldn’t find  
Was I so busy feeling sorry for myself  
That I wasn’t thinking about the cover-ups, the stealth  
The way we were shrouded in secrecy

_Did I fail to realize this is not about me?_

It’s hitting me at once, it’s all too much  
Apparently it’s enough to drive me to such  
A faraway spot from the line that I drew  
It’s enough to drive me to call him, too

He doesn’t answer, though, and thank god!  
_What was I thinking?_  
I stare at the dark screen and watch myself blinking  
When the automated voice asks me to leave a voicemail, I think  
_What the hell, I’m in this deep_  
But the fire goes out the second I hear the tone beep  
I have no idea what to say  
So I press the red button with a vigor  
Like maybe it can make all of this go away

I don’t know what I’d do if I heard his voice  
His unpracticed one, the one fueled by choice  
The way he sounds when he’s saying what he wants to say

I don’t even know if he’d still talk to me that way

A week after I stopped texting Henry  
Stopped begging him to talk about why he left  
He left me with some parting words  
(Two  
To be exact)  
Two words, three syllables, and infinite meanings  
I stare at it, blurry eyed, as I’m leaning  
Against the backseat of the car  
He’s always so close  
And yet, so far  
I’m just too drunk  
That’s why I’m crying  
I stare at it so hard I see it behind my eyelids

**I’m sorry.**

The sun has set as I walk into the room  
I see Josie laughing with Nora and June  
I try to look balanced, I try not to stumble  
I try not to slur and I try not to mumble  
As I say, _"Hey, guys,”_ with a smile on my face  
But somewhere I fall short in my attempt at grace  
Because Nora fixes me with a knowing stare and June with one of slight concern  
Josie, bless him, doesn’t seem to notice, ‘cause he just smiles wide as his head turns  
To look at me

I take a quick swig from the wine that they’re sharing, thinking it’ll seem nonchalant  
If they weren’t already, now they’re staring  
The correct move, that was not 

I retreat to my bedroom, to change or to sleep  
Josie’s sweet and gentle and he cares about me  
At first he pretends he doesn’t see  
Anything unusual  
But then he asks what kept me  
_“Hey, look at me”_  
But I say  
_"Little thing with my coworkers  
Got kinda carried away”_  
There’s no doubt he’s onto my lie  
His brow furrows just slightly and I see it in his eyes  
But he just lays me down on my side  
And we settle into bed for a nap or the night

I was going to ask him anyway  
But I decide to ask him today  
To come on vacation with my family and stay  
In a cabin near a forest a few states away

Mom doesn’t get much time for trips like these  
For good measure, I add a _“Please?”_  
Even though I’m sure he’ll want to come  
I want him there, too  
I think it’ll be fun

That little dimple pops in his cheek  
I tell him it’s after next week  
He gives me the cutest _“Okay”_

_By then this feeling will have gone away_

But on the second night as he snores softly in bed  
I think of all the words I never said  
The answers I didn’t get to those finals texts  
The  
**for what???  
please talk to me**  
So I collect  
My shorts from the floor, so I don’t disturb him  
Make my way through the big wood cabin  
Out the back door and onto the deck  
I sit on the railing and crane my neck  
To look at how the stars fill the clear night sky  
I wonder if he hears my silent cry  
A call out to him to tell him what he deserves

_-To be himself  
-Love  
-Choice  
-The world_

A shadow: June, in her nightclothes  
She starts to say something, but then comes close  
She sees my face has formed a coast  
In response to things I want the most  
She swings her legs over the rail and holds me close  
I lean in and her shirt gets a little soaked  
I lose track of time as the cool breeze blows  
She doesn’t ask but I think she knows

I think she knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Junebug's a good big sister, what can I say?
> 
> It has been SOME TIME!!! How are u guys? How was the chapter???


	4. does he take you walking ('round his parents' gallery?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo i’m a hoe for sentimental objects so writing one of the scenes in this chapter crushed my soul!! 🥰🥰 hope u like it! 
> 
> things are 👀 picking up

does he take you walking (‘round his parents’ gallery?)

🍒

H

So many lives I have lived  
So many that I haven’t  
Most of them were fleeting  
Some lied in pattern  
My small feet in the garden  
Running in from the rain  
Years of love and memories  
Years of grief and pain  
I know that it’s not true, but  
It feels I’m nearing the end  
I guess one life I’ll never see:  
The world knows you’re more than a friend  
Waking up beside you, nowhere else to go  
Coming home to you at night  
It’s okay that they know  
One life full of fear and  
One life full of risk  
It’s okay, ‘cause I knew it’d probably come to this  
I’m not giving up anything that wasn’t mine to begin with  
From you, I wish for understanding, and I hope for  
Forgiveness

I know you’ve found somebody else  
Your country knows it, too  
And while, of course, it’s different, I’m meeting somebody, too  
They do make us take photographs, and they do make us share  
But we’ve taken to spending time when no one else is there  
It seemed too intimate yet to bring her to the music room  
But there’s a nice spot in the gardens where the sedum’s pink and blue  
I bring falafel from my favorite stand you never got to try 

_Love, are you still upset with me for not saying goodbye?_

You couldn’t be  
I do sleep well at night, knowing that I’m just one  
One of the taken, entranced moths that you’ve drawn to your sun  
It’s true, sometimes I find myself bleeding like an open wound  
But taking someone else  
I couldn’t hold against you  
I could never truly hold anything against you

So Emily and I, we tear into the food  
There’s a subtle breeze in the air and we’re both in a pleasant mood  
She says she’s never been in love and never cared for sex  
I ask, _“What really sold you on this?  
I mean, for you, what’s next?”_

Emily has detailed plans of what she wants to do  
With the money we give her, she wants to help people  
_(Like you)_  
Emily studied business  
She leaves me wildly impressed  
She’s passionate about animals and impeccably well-dressed

I can’t help but dream a little  
There are alternate realities I’d prefer  
But if a woman is to stand beside me  
I’m beyond grateful it’s her

When they asked if we’re ready to make an announcement  
I said there’s no time like the present  
Another option crept into my mind, but no logic defends it  
I really thought I might as well open up this new chapter  
Pray our history and my uni days don’t crawl back and end in disaster  
But under dismissiveness, nonchalance, and telling everyone to get on with it  
Or maybe screaming and thrashing above all that, a persistent candle is lit

And I don’t feel the heat till I’m alone in my room and it snakes across my skin  
It’s desperate and ignites some sort of distressed and neglected longing within  
Since I’ve already chosen to start anew, I allow myself to reminisce  
And on my way down the rabbit hole of sunlit memories, can’t deny I  
Still love  
Still miss  
You

Sometimes I tell myself it was just in my head, that I’d fallen in love with an idea  
You were a fantasy I held onto ‘cause you were open and wild and freer  
But the boy I got to know dripped in a certain authenticity no one could fake  
And you’ve left me with a feeling of elation and despair that I don’t know how to shake

Hopeless love  
My love for you is thirteen drafted emails ending in _you’re all I want_  
It’s the ghost of your reassuring hand on my back when my smile has been pulled taut  
It’s me wanting the best for you, wanting wherever you are for you to have peace  
So I reach for a god that for a long time has felt far out of my reach  
Sometimes I feel silly but sometimes it seems the only way to fill this breach  
So at night, when you’re in bed, your eyes close with, from me, one prayer each

My love for you increases in its hopelessness every second  
It’s the engagement announcement that’s finally made, and the people eagerly commend it  
My love for you is grey as the sky  
As I lean out my window  
In order not to cry  
I retrieve it from the bedside and crumple it up  
It’s a fit, I don’t know what else to do  
And it feels like crushing a piece of you  
But I don’t regret it until it’s too late  
On the floor of the garden, meeting it’s fate  
Rain-drenched, the letters of _Le Monde_ bleed  
A reminder of a warning I didn’t heed  
These thoughts are theatrical but safe in my mind  
So I’ll still call you _love of mine_  
But I know, like the paper, my love is wet  
So I work hard to keep my heart dry  
And one last thought:  
When you were near  
You didn’t mind my lavish words  
You liked to hear  
Suddenly I don’t know if I’m ready

Please quell this fear

🍒

I attend this discussion of venues fit for _“the trendy, modern couple”_  
 _“Just like his mother, breaking the barrier of the royal social bubble!”_  
Emily’s more involved  
I pitch in with the occasional _great_ or _sure_  
How laughable is it that they all think I’m breaking barriers with _her_  
They’re unaware this union is woven of threads false, untrue  
If I’m breaking barriers with her, love  
Imagine what I’d be doing with you

Then I speak up, loud, when an idea is pitched, only to shut it down right away  
The suggestion that one of our many parties be held at the V&A  
The nights and early mornings I’ve spent, the memories I didn’t make  
It’s sacred and too close to me, something I can’t let them take  
It’s a place that keeps me safe  
And though I know how it may seem  
It isn’t just because of that little childhood dream

In this world I find myself in, most things fake and fabricated  
You were real as day, not calculatingly created  
And maybe this helps me cope  
Sometimes I wish it weren’t so, but  
You started feeling like a dream  
Not long after I had to go

🍒

Now the day is coming  
I’ve had a drink or two  
Despite time passed, once I drink, I start to think of you  
The hope that I held onto has started to fade away  
But in these recent weeks my heart has had some things to say  
It’s let me fantasize a bit  
Again, I’ve seen you in my dreams  
But not with a heavy longing, no  
You’re not even real, it seems  
You’re an idea I’ve conjured up to try to fill my mind  
When change is near, my thoughts unclear, thoughts of you fill my time  
But at this moment I have barely more than a day  
Before once and for all, I solidify  
My dreams of you away

And it only takes a second for me to be reminded  
With a start: you’re real, your own  
I take that fact  
Unwind it  
It’s just five seconds of silence  
You’ve left me on my phone  
But a lifeline has been thrown  
You’re more than just an image that’s been living in my head  
And you were once inside  
Of me,  
My room,  
My mouth,  
My bed.

Your whole life once touched my own  
And now I’m left all  
Alone?  
And you’re home…

Home.  
_Home_ ,

I don’t know if you’re listening  
I don’t know if you’ll see  
I don’t care if you’re with him  
Let me make my final plea 

I drop a place and time, press send  
Let myself think that you might

Come to me,  
Let yourself be  
More than just a dream for a night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	5. nan, c’est pas passé, l’moment (on jouait, on e tait a la plage, et maintenant) | première partie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Josie have a much-needed talk; Alex receives a text...

nan, c’est pas passé, l’moment

🍒

A

Those lips, sharp jaw, his pretty eyes:  
Inventory of what will no longer be mine  
As his lip quivers and he sighs  
That I’ve been so occupied  
And did I think he was dumb enough not to realize  
That he didn’t have my heart, my eyes

Backtrack  
When he confronted me, it went like this:  
_“Who’s the last boy that you kissed?”_

He finally asked me outright  
I fucked up right from the start  
How could I keep up the lie  
I began when he handed me his heart  
And I pretended to give him all of mine  
His—soft and adorned with a bow  
Mine—with so much baggage in tow  
Mine still chained to someone else  
Him giving me his best self

When we first talked about this  
I mentioned Liam, Nora, and made up this  
_Boy_  
I didn’t give him a name  
Said he’d asked to keep it private, ‘cause he’s a little famous

To pretend he never happened at all  
Seemed like too much of a risk  
I’d definitely bring up some small story  
And over it I’d trip and fall

Josie didn’t seem to mind  
And I didn’t talk much of the nameless boy  
But over time, I guess he learned  
If he pulled out the foundation, it would destroy  
The tower of untruths I told him  
Pop in a penny of honesty  
And over would spill the fountain  
So one day he caught me in the White House  
We’d been playing a bit of cat and mouse  
Because if we spent too much time together, I was scared  
He’d be able to sense  
I wasn’t all there

But I soon found him, in my lap  
Soon I saw him look at me and ask  
_“Who’s the last boy that you kissed?”_  
_“You, of course”_  
I pecked his lips  
Laughed a little, my heart beating  
Tension thickened, peace was fleeting  
I didn’t know what he’d found  
I just didn’t like the sound  
Of the things I had built up  
About to topple at his touch  
He kissed me back, said  
_“Baby, you’re too much  
But seriously  
I’d like to know who he was”_

Caressed the side of his face, gently  
_“That guy I told you about before, who I had a thing with  
I’m not supposed to say much more, ‘cause he’s also in politics”_

 _“Alex, were you hooking up with…or dating the prince?”_  
I froze  
_“Alex, can you tell me, are you not over him?”_

I tried my best to laugh  
_“The prince?”_

_“Prince Henry. Of England  
The one you said the press had to exaggerate your friendship with  
Wait, no  
I’m not playing this game  
You know who I’m talking about”_

_“Josie  
I don’t get it…  
How did you even find out?”_

And then  
He was no longer in my lap  
He was pacing the room

I just don’t want to hurt him—  
_“Don’t even call me that right now”_  
—I don’t want to see him cry  
But _Joseph_ tastes weird on my tongue  
So I didn’t even try  
But I complied

 _“Love”_

I cringed  
I picked that up from _him_

He stopped pacing, looked at me  
_“Are you kidding?  
You’re so obvious!  
Where should I begin?  
The engagement!  
You ignored the text that Nora sent to you, and then  
You came home drunk and lied to me about where you had been  
I saw you crying to your sister that night at the cabin  
I would have asked why, but she was there  
I didn’t want to butt in  
You know so much about him, always dropping random facts  
I’ve never met him, but feel like I know how he thinks, and talks, and acts  
If he’s gay and you’re upset, baby, I can try to understand  
I just need to be sure it’s not because you want him back”_

His voice  
His brow  
Like he was begging

 _“I don’t—What you’re worried of, Jo, it isn’t true”_  
I wrapped my arms around him  
_“The only one I want is you”_

He didn’t hold me back

_“You keep it underneath your bed  
The magazine, folded to the picture of him as a kid”_

Silence  
He gently pushed me away

His tone had softened, and quietly, he continued to say

_“Dozens of kept emails, the two of you back and forth  
I wasn’t snooping, for the record  
You lended me your laptop that day to borrow  
And do some work  
They were open  
You were rereading them  
What for?”_

So now  
As I figure  
Out how to reply  
I take in  
Those lips, sharp jaw, and  
Pretty eyes:  
Inventory of what will no longer be mine  
As his lip quivers and he sighs  
That I’ve been so occupied  
And did I think he was dumb enough not to realize  
That he didn’t have my heart, my eyes  
I wonder if I even deserved to find  
Him, if I couldn’t provide  
Everything he’s warranted  
Part of my love, still hidden  
Reaching out for one long gone  
It needs more time  
It might take long

The thought struck me as we said goodbye  
Am I doing what Henry did to me,  
Am I letting go because I’m too scared to try?  
But I toss it away  
Don’t let it wring itself dry  
‘Cause then it’ll only be a moment  
Before it’s drenched my mind

Josie saw right through me  
Saw right through me looking through him  
Looking past his laughter ‘cause another’s rang in my mind like a hymn and looking  
Right past him when his eyes scrunched when he laughed  
Looking past Josie as I grasped  
Onto the pattern, tried to hold, steadfast  
As if the pieces of Henry I found in Josie  
Would serve as a mast, but  
We crashed  
Into the ice, months and months ago  
I’ve lost track  
And I kept me and Josie in the cold,  
All because I couldn’t let go

Selfishly, I tried to find in Josie what I’d lost

And finally, I see for sure that it was wrong

When every piece of him deserved to be held onto with care

I was just holding myself together, and dragging him along

For so long, to myself, I didn’t ask  
Could I not see myself getting back  
With Henry, because I didn’t want to  
Or simply because I can’t

Through the night, I let the feeling decant  
All mussed from running my fingers through it, my hair  
A window open to the deceivingly gentle D.C. air, but it should be  
Thick like sorrow and bitter like disappointment  
Stinging like a deep scrape begging for an ointment  
And I realize with a start, staring out into the dark  
While I just contemplate,  
Henry’s next step is stark 

So I reach for my phone, despite the hammering in my heart  
To confirm what I already know—in just a few days, we’re meant to depart  
For yet another royal wedding  
The thin new skin I formed is shedding  
The one I started working on a few hours ago, as Josie left  
With not even a day to heal, it’s been ripped away again

But something unexpected greets me from the screen of my phone  
Words addressed to me from the greatest boy I’ve ever known 

Raw, desperate,  
And a little confused  
I do what I think I need to do

What I hope I need to do

I text Cash and hope he doesn’t express that he thinks it’s as crazy  
As I know I know I do


End file.
